God’s been telling me to show the real me for sometime now. I came up with a way of doing that (My Blog), but I wasn’t consistent enough for God, apparently. So God has put me in a place where I have to show my faith. And truth be told I’m broken, I’m lost, I’ve feel like I’ve failed in so many ways, lately I feel weak no matter how strong people tell me I am, I feel unwanted by the people I love most, abandoned, neglected, unworthy of my blessings, etc. The gag is that I’ve been feeling like this for sooooo long, and is the reason I started writing my book. The difference is all the things I previously listed were my feelings, but I never really dealt with them and nobody knew that I was carrying all of this weight. At least not one person knew everything.
When I wrote the first chapter of my book, Neglect, I instantly realized this was going to be more than just a book. This was going to be a journey, and I needed to be in a good space to in order to have a smooth ride. I was right! It is a journey, but nothing has been smooth about it. I knew God wanted me to write a book about my journey, and he knew he had to stop shielding me from these feelings in order to be honest about my story. I sit in awe of God’s work all the time. I think it’s amazing how he had a plan this whole time, but I knew was that he wanted me to tell my story. Stay with me! I know I me everywhere….So, after I wrote the fist chapter I realized I needed to change somethings. I knew I needed to take care of myself better. I need to pay more attention to what my body was telling me. I needed to be a little bit more self-centered and have more self-compassion. I struggled with this. Me being self-centered meant the people that I love were going to go without, and I just simply did not know how to treat myself better. I still don’t. But one thing was for certain, I got tired of faking and pretending I was okay.
I started to resent the things and people that tried to keep me in the box that I no longer wanted to be in. The picture everyone had of me was not true. I did not feel strong. I did not feel like a good mother. My marriage was not goals. I just wanted to self destruct just so people could see how messed up I really was. I wanted people to stop seeing me and painting me out to be so perfect or somebody worth looking up to. I felt suffocated by everyone’s perceptions. I wanted people around me to know I needed them and I need their care. I wanted out, but I couldn’t say anything. I was silenced. I started seeing a therapist because I didn’t really have anyone that I could talk to and felt like I was being understood (not necessarily agreed with). I needed to talk to non bias person. Somebody who could say Tiffany, you’re dead wrong. Or Tiffany, why do you sell yourself so short. I feel like I’ve lost my faithfulness to my church cause of what I’m going through. Out of all the people at my church, one person thought something wasn’t quite right with me (Thank you FirstLady! I appreciate how you always show that you care even without knowing or caring to know the details). I love my church, but it’s such a stigma to look down on people dealing with mental issues so I didn’t even give them a chance. I didn’t want to have a reason to leave my church so I didn’t involve them or reach out for help…long story short, I just didn’t and don’t feel like my old self.
God told me today, that’s just it. My old self was all these things because I got away from his Will. The anxiety I feel is because I have to be made uncomfortable before I realize I’m not doing something right. Or I’m not doing what I need to do fast enough. Or I’m trying to do it on my own terms. While I hate having anxiety, I’m talking it all as joy! While I hate to admit I haven’t been able to focus on one thing for long enough to be efficient, it’s my truth. This is the real me. The messed up, don’t have anything together me. In the mist of all my mess, God is STILL calling me! I’m glad God STILL gave me a chance to make it right with him! I’m glad God knows how to get my attention. God knows I thirst after him and he know that life gets really heavy for me sometimes to the point that my focus is not where it should be. He’s been giving me ways out left and right but I never took them. Well Lord, I no longer want to run, suppress, avoid, or manipulate situations to work out the way I want them to. I give my whole messed up life to you cause you’re the only person I know that can clean me up!
I posted last week that I was going through “growing pains” and that I knew the devil was coming after me. Well I wasn’t lying. The devil came for me yesterday in a way that I would’ve never imagined. All I can say is I’m glad my child is safe and that me nor her dad had to lose our Christianity in the process. I don’t know how we’re going to get through this or what is going to change, but I know God has it worked out already so we have no need to worry.
Why God is still calling me, I’ll never know. I just know that I want to be the best person I can be and I want to fulfill my purpose while I’m here on earth. It all starts with being real with myself. I am going to continue to walk in my truth. I am going to continue to explore me. I am going to continue to allow myself to feel the good, bad, and the ugly. I know that along my journey I have a comforter. I know God adores me. He made me, he has kept me, and is guiding me. He is showing me just how remarkable I am, and in the process I am seeing just how remarkable he is. I love God so much for knowing what’s best for me even when I don’t know it for myself. He never let me go! I have all the resources I need to complete my journey safely and with dignity. I know this revelation is by no mistake. This is God’s reminder to me. I laugh because the next chapter is called Abandoned, and here he is reminding me how he has never left me even when everyone else did. He wants me to hold on to this reminder because he knows I’m going to need it as I explore the next chapter of my life. While I know this road will not be easy, I know that once my book is complete I will be liberated and I would have made my Father proud. That is my motivation. Next up chapter TWO!