Silently Drowning in Grief
Explorers, this is not a normal post. This is an unfiltered, impromptu post. I have not shared any new content because so much has happened in the last month. I have been struggling on what I should share, and what I should just keep to myself. That question has been the issue with me lately. Vulnerability is not a common feeling of mine, so in this state I am super on edge. Long story short, my calculated and over-thinking ways took over.
I forget sometimes why I even started this blog. It was for me to release. It was to take care of myself, and to not keep everything bottled up inside. I haven’t been releasing, and that is not good for me. It causes me anxiety. I don’t know where me releasing fits into my blog’s design, but I can’t worry about that right now. So here comes the release…..
My Step-Dad’s Death
On October 18th, I got the worse call of my life. The man who has been the best father to me, and the best Paw Paw to my baby girl was found dead that morning. This set off so much in me, but anger and sadness were my main two emotions. I was angry at the circumstances of which I had no control. I believe that’s why I was even angry to begin with. I had no control.
I felt robbed of one of the most pure and genuine relationships I’ve even had in life. This also made me angry. One thing I’ve learned about anger is that anger always have to have a target. Unfortunately, the target for my anger was my mom. I recognized this early on so luckily my anger did not get out of control, but still….every time I felt the pain, the anger came back. I just wish things could have been different.
Afraid of Happiness
On October 21st, my mom and I proceeded to go on the planned cruise despite the recent tragedy (We did not buy the insurance). Every time I found myself having a good time, it reminded me that the happiness I felt was most likely fake. It made me that I am probably just suppressing the pain in order to make it through. This is something I am pretty much an expert at, but is also the reason I struggle more in my adult life with anxiety. Suppressing deep emotions only provides temporary relief. It will always come back when something happens that triggers the same feeling. I’ve learned this recently through personal experience, and vowed to never deal with situations like this ever again. I wanted to go through whatever was set in front of me, so when I make it through I know that it is truly behind me.
Back to the point though. Everything since my dad’s death that has brought me happiness, tears of sadness also soon followed. It became clearer when I moved last weekend. I moved into this beautiful apartment in a very beautiful area. The apartment was not what brought me happiness though, it was the peace of mind. Just being in my own space physically, but more important mentally. I sat on the floor in my darn near empty apartment filled with gratitude. I felt such an overflow of joy and gratefulness that it sent right back to how my dad must have felt before he did. Then ugly cried.
Why does happiness trigger my grief? I don’t want for this to turn into be avoiding happiness cause I don’t want to feel the grief. Is this a common feeling for grieving people? This is the first death that was SUPER close to me. I’m not sure if I handling it good or if I’m not. Can you imagine this? When I have been on the search of what makes me happy and brings me joy, to find it and now it brings me sadness. What a conundrum!
Ambitious Spirit, Don’t Give Up
With all of this being said, my spirit is so ambitious. My spirit does not want to stay down. Everything in my wants to get up and dust myself off. My spirit remembers where I was before this happened, but my feelings…my emotions is trying to drown me. It has been drowning me silently. I miss my daddy. I miss the happiness he brought me. The reassurance he offered me. The laughs we shared. I miss watching him play with Trini. I miss watching him rub her feet while they watched a movie. I miss hearing his voice. I miss him telling me, ” you know I got you!” I miss him so much. I miss him stopping by the house to check on us. I miss him calling asking for his StinkPot.
I knew he was a gift from God. God gave him to me cause he was exactly what I needed. He gave me guidance. He gave me love unconditionally. He gave me the attention. He showered me with his presence. He was there for every major thing in my life. He was ALWAYS there. He was dependable. He always came through for me, and Trini. I trusted him with my life. I trusted him with my daughters life. He meant more to me than words can describe. He was my gift from God. I just wish I knew that my time with him was winding up. I would have took more pictures. I would have had more daddy daughter dates. I would have tried to be more. He deserved more. He deserved more of my love.
How do I let my spirit thrive when I feel so much pain? How do I grab a hold of the happiness in front of me when the sadness fells more real? How do I get up from this dark place? Where do I go from here?
Gone, but never will you be forgotten!