I did this devotion two days ago, but I did not blog about it. Instead of blogging my devotion, I chose to treat myself to dinner and a movie. However today, I was urged to go back and revisit Day 3 of the In My Secret Place devotion, and now I see why. Let me give you a little back story…
I have been battling anxiety most of 2018.
The Explorers know that my battle against anxiety has been one that has truly turned my life upside down. I have been transparent with my struggles, but I don’t think I have spoke on my choice to be medicated. Well, back in June I decided to see a doctor to talk about getting on medication. At that time, so much was going on in my life and I was in desperate need of some relief. My connection with God was shaky at the time. Well it wasn’t shaky. It was nonexistent. I felt like I couldn’t get a handle on life. This was the worse time of my life. I felt like I was completely out of control, but not in the giving it to God type of way. Overwhelmed with it all, I made some poor decisions.
After repenting and being reconciled back with God, I no longer wanted to take the medication anymore. I stopped cold turkey, and I am not sure if this was the best decision because I did not consult God first. I was moved to stop taking the medication because of my calling. God called me to speak on the the struggles of mental illness and to show people the way to the Living Water. I asked myself how can I honestly show people the way to God, when my body is relying on this medication. I have medicine helping me to cope, which is fine don’t get me wrong. However, God does not want medicine to get the credit. He wants that credit all for himself.
It was all good until I felt the withdrawal symptoms trying to surface WHILE I HAD COMPANY!
I was getting ready for church this morning, and I just felt like I was just everywhere. I was trying to get ready for church, but I was washing dishes and clothes at the same time. I felt the urgent sensation to clean everything in my house but I knew I needed to be getting ready. I realized the confliction in my spirit, so i just stopped for a minute. I stood there and said out loud, “Tiffany calm down!” I took some deep breathes. My friend asked if I was okay and I said yea. I knew that I wasn’t okay. My spirit was screaming HELP, DANGER, SOS! I grabbed my study guide, my bible, and my pen. I went and locked myself in my bathroom and had a talk with God in my secret place.
I felt so much better, but I knew I had to take my friend home and go to church. I wanted to stay home so bad! But I knew I had to fight through it. As I was pulling out of my garage I said, “I just want to cry!” My friend said well just cry. I told her I didn’t want to. I was trying to hide my struggle. I was trying to keep it cute and keep myself together in front of her. But the tears started flowing. My friend tried to console me. I expressed to her that I hated feeling this way. I hated that I would have to battle this everyday if I continued with my medication detox. However, I told her I knew it had to be done for God’s glory. I explained to her why I had to stop taking the medication.
What happened next blessed me.
Me talking my way through my struggle with her made me feel better. Me finding joy in my struggle brought me peace. My joy came from knowing that my struggle was from pleasing God. It may sound weird to you, but that was the moment I realized this time wasn’t like the other times I was struggling this year. This time I was struggling, but I was holding on to God’s hand. This time my struggle did not keep me quiet, and did not make me isolate myself. This time my struggle allowed me to be vulnerable with my friend so I could bring God glory. This time allowed me to share my testimony. Allowed me to tell my friend that the thorn in my side was there to remind me who God really is, where my strength really comes from, and that without God I would not make it AT ALL. My struggle forces me to devote time to God multiple times a day in order to remain connected to MY SOURCE. The thorn in my side makes me want to stay in God’s presence because I know the damage that comes behind me trying to do it by myself. Today, God was glorified in my car!
And you know what happened when I got to church? The pastor preached about giving credit where the credit is due! He preached on God wanting all his glory! Confirmation! I have to continue my journey. Today was not easy. Tomorrow may not be any easier, but I know nothing is too hard for my God.
I want to thank Ebony for sharing her revelations from her secret place on day 3! Because I read this a couple days ago, it was in my spirit to let loose. To not be afraid to ugly cry, and ugly cry in front of my friend. No telling what could have got stirred up in my friend, but I hope it was something that would bring her closer to Christ!
My chain reaction started with a mindset shift today:
- I had to allow myself to break. Even though I did not want to show that vulnerability in front of my friend
- When I broke, I had to control the narrative.
- This led to my testimony.
- I had to decide that I was going to measure my success by me being obedient to God, and not by the way I felt at the time
- I repeated to myself what God said in his word!
*** I had no intentions on sharing this video! I recorded it so I wouldn’t forget this moment. I planned to write in my journal about my struggle today, but this is what happened instead. Be kind!